The Effects of Alcohol on Endangered Species

All the best parties entail a certain amount of loss, either emotionally or financially. This is expected and tolerated as a minor fee for one of the pleasures of life. I host a lot of them and feel qualified to say this. Parties in this house are relished by all of us, however, it will soon cost me more to throw an all nighter for the creatures who live in my garden rather than the ones who live free gratis in my house, ridiculous as that may seem. I have 4 adult children at home and 400 adult snails in my garden. Both come with numerous friends and hangers on. The similarities between the two are boundless, both nocturnal, they venture out only at night under cover of darkness leaving trails of sticky surface rotting evidence, but only after after devouring everything in their wake. I do emphasise the "everything" part. Those of you with teenagers and snails will be nodding furiously at this point, muttering through gritted teeth. While I don't actively encourage my kids to get drunk, I don't have the same moral compass when dealing with my snails. Beer has the same effect on both, imbibing them with false bravado and a bit of a death wish in a face off, enabling them to "speed eat" at a ferocious pace. Infused with super strength enabling them to upend an object 200 times their body weight with no apparent damage to themselves, they happily create the maximum amount of mayhem, then it's straight back into those shells! Although neither of them are discerning drinkers, preferring cheap Lidl beer, they share a delight in eating only the most expensive gourmet fare available, carnations rejected with a sniff in favour of delicious purple basil, budget price ham ignored while whole packets of imported parma ham are squeezed between 2 slices of roast beef between, well another two slices of roast beef, a few cherry tomatoes and half a tin of foie gras. I realise the snail-teenager idea may be a revolutionary concept to some of you, but, as with all good revolutions, it's time to declare war. Neither Snails or Teenagers are currently listed as an endangered species.